How to Teach Active Listening to AuDHD Folks (Without Forcing NT Norms)
Intro: Listening Is Not a Performance
Active listening is often treated like a behavioral checklist: nod, maintain eye contact, mirror their words, give quick feedback. But for AuDHD folks—those who are both autistic and ADHD—these behaviors can feel disorienting, overwhelming, or simply inaccessible. In fact, for many neurodivergent people, masking those behaviors creates more communication breakdown than connection.
This blog post explores how to teach and support active listening in a way that respects the AuDHD nervous system, communication style, and sensory reality.
Why Traditional Listening Strategies Don’t Work for Many Neurodivergent People
Active listening, as it's often taught, is rooted in neurotypical (NT) social norms and expectations. These include:
Direct eye contact
Short, fast verbal affirmations (“yeah,” “right,” “totally”)
Quick response times with minimal pauses
Mirroring emotional tone and facial expressions
While these behaviors may signal engagement for NT communicators, research suggests they do not universally indicate listening or connection. In fact:
Many autistic people process language more deeply when not making eye contact (Tanaka & Sung, 2016)
ADHD-related time blindness and distractibility can affect real-time conversational pacing, making fast response norms inaccessible (Barkley, 2015)
Autistic individuals often rely on different social timing patterns, including longer pauses and literal interpretation (de Marchena & Eigsti, 2010)
Sensory overload and emotional flooding can lead to dissociation or shutdown, making in-the-moment feedback difficult (Crane et al., 2009)
So when we ask neurodivergent folks to “listen better” by mimicking neurotypical behaviors, we’re not teaching communication—we’re teaching masking. And that’s both ineffective and harmful.
What Active Listening Looks Like in AuDHD Contexts
Active listening should mean being present and committed to understanding—not performing social correctness. For neurodivergent communicators, this can look very different.
Neurodivergent-affirming listening might include:
Long pauses between statements to allow full processing
No eye contact at all, or soft focus on another object
Fidgeting or using movement tools like pacing, doodling, or rocking
Literal language and direct clarifying questions, rather than mirroring tone
Communication across different modalities, including writing, texting, or visuals
💡 *Tip: Normalize these behaviors as legitimate signs of presence. Help ND clients or loved ones name how they listen—not how they look while listening.
6 Core Strategies for Teaching Active Listening to AuDHD Clients
1. Co-Create a Shared Definition of Listening
Start with the question: What does listening mean to you?
Avoid assuming clients understand “active listening” as a cultural script. Instead, invite them to explore what theyassociate with being a good listener or feeling heard.
Possible prompts:
“How do you know someone’s listening to you?”
“What does it look like when you’re trying to listen?”
“What gets in the way when you want to stay present?”
This immediately affirms that listening styles vary—and opens the door to new strategies.
2. Normalize Processing Delays and Asynchronous Listening
AuDHD clients often process verbal communication more slowly than expected in NT settings. This isn’t a deficit—it’s a cognitive rhythm.
Teach clients that listening does not require immediate feedback. Phrases like:
“I’m listening—I just need a second to think.”
“Can I circle back later once I’ve processed that?”
“I want to give this the attention it deserves, and my brain is still catching up.”
Therapists can model this too. Don’t rush to fill silences. Let stillness feel safe. Encourage asynchronous follow-ups via email, text, or journaling.
3. Encourage Alternative Modes of Communication
Verbal listening isn’t the only kind. Encourage ND clients to:
Use written reflections or summaries after conversations
Ask clarifying questions in real-time or after the fact
Draw, diagram, or record voice memos as part of the process
Use closed captions or live transcription tools when overwhelmed
Research from Gillespie-Lynch et al. (2014) supports the idea that visual and written communication can improve both comprehension and engagement for autistic individuals—especially in emotionally charged or abstract discussions.
4. Scaffold Real Listening Skills with Flexible Tools
Give clients options that support active listening without scripting it rigidly. Examples:
🗣 Sentence stems to reduce cognitive load:
“It sounds like you felt…”
“I’m not sure I understood that part—can I ask a question?”
“I think what you’re saying is…”
🧠 Strategies for staying regulated while listening:
Wear noise-canceling headphones with ambient music
Use grounding tools (weighted blanket, fidget, etc.)
Co-listen while doing a low-stimulation task (e.g., walking or coloring)
Let clients build their own “Active Listening Toolkit” based on sensory and processing needs.
5. Teach Repair, Not Perfection
Because of RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) or past communication trauma, many ND folks fear “getting it wrong” in relationships. This often leads to over-apologizing, shutdowns, or rigid scripting.
Normalize missteps. Emphasize that:
You don’t have to get it right the first time.
You can come back and clarify.
Repair is more important than flawless execution.
Help clients practice statements like:
“I realized I misheard something—can I revisit that part?”
“I got overwhelmed earlier, but I’ve thought more about what you said.”
“I want to make space for your feelings, even if I didn’t know how to respond at the time.”
6. Help Partners and Support People Reframe Listening, Too
Sometimes your client is listening—but their communication partner doesn’t recognize it because they expect NT cues.
Therapists can help bridge this gap by:
Providing psychoeducation to partners/family on AuDHD processing
Encouraging collaborative communication agreements (e.g., “We’re okay with pauses” or “We text when we need more time”)
Teaching both parties that presence looks different across neurotypes—and that's okay
💬 Therapist tip: Family or couples sessions can be a great place to practice these conversations in real time.
Closing Thoughts: Communication That Works for ND Nervous Systems
Active listening isn’t about checking social boxes—it’s about staying attuned to someone’s experience. For AuDHD folks, that means allowing space, honoring regulation needs, and removing the demand for masking.
If we want to build connection, we have to let go of the assumption that it only comes in one form.
Teach listening as a relationship, not a performance—and your ND clients will build connection on their own terms, in ways that truly last.
🧠 Recommended Reading & Research
Tanaka & Sung (2016). The “eye contact effect” in autism spectrum disorder: New insights from functional neuroimaging.
Barkley, R. (2015). Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment.
de Marchena & Eigsti (2010). Conversational gestures in autism spectrum disorders: Asynchrony but not decreased frequency.
Crane et al. (2009). Sensory processing in adults with autism spectrum disorders.
Gillespie-Lynch et al. (2014). Beyond rigid thinking: Self-reported social cognition and perspective-taking in autistic adults.