Hey there, fellow non-confrontational people-pleasers struggling to have, express, and articulate your needs…

Do you relate to this SNL Sketch from last weekend about people pleasing? (go check it out if you need a laugh)

Are you tired of experiencing overwhelming anxiety every time you have to speak up for yourself?

Do you wish you could assert your boundaries without feeling like you're auditioning for a role in an action movie?

Well, grab your popcorn and buckle up, assertive communication may be something worth learning more about.

In the intricate web of human interactions, communication serves as the cornerstone upon which relationships are built, nurtured, and sustained. Among the various styles of communication, assertive communication stands out as a powerful tool for fostering mutual respect, understanding, and empowerment. Learning about assertive communication is not merely a skill to acquire but a transformative journey towards self-confidence, resilience, and healthier relationships.

"Being assertive does not mean attacking or ignoring others' feelings. It means standing up for your own rights and needs without violating the rights and needs of others." - Albert Ellis

Assertive communication is characterized by the ability to express one's thoughts, feelings, and needs in a clear, direct, and respectful manner.

Unlike passive communication, where individuals may shy away from expressing themselves, or aggressive communication, which often involves domination and disregard for others, assertive communication strikes a delicate balance between self-advocacy and empathy for others.

Key characteristics of assertive communication include:

1. Clear expression: Assertive communicators clearly state their thoughts, feelings, and needs using "I" statements. They express themselves in a straightforward manner without resorting to vague language or hints.

2. Respectful tone: Assertive communication is characterized by a respectful and calm tone of voice. It avoids yelling, sarcasm, or other forms of hostility, while still maintaining firmness and conviction.

3. Active listening: Assertive communicators actively listen to others, showing genuine interest and empathy in their perspectives. They validate others' feelings and opinions, even if they disagree with them.

4. Setting boundaries: Assertive individuals are able to set and maintain healthy boundaries in their interactions with others. They assert their rights and limits while respecting the rights and boundaries of others.

5. Confidence and self-assurance: Assertive communication reflects confidence and self-assurance. It involves standing up for oneself and expressing one's needs and desires with conviction, without feeling guilty or apologetic.

6. Problem-solving orientation: Assertive communicators focus on finding constructive solutions to conflicts or disagreements. They are open to negotiation and compromise while advocating for their own interests.

7. Non-verbal cues: Assertive communication involves appropriate use of body language, such as maintaining eye contact, using open and relaxed gestures, and having an upright posture, which convey confidence and sincerity.

Overall, assertive communication promotes healthy and effective interpersonal relationships by fostering mutual respect, understanding, and cooperation. It helps individuals assert their rights, express their needs, and build confidence in their interactions with others.

Why might someone lack Assertive Communication skills?

There are several reasons why someone might lack assertive communication skills:

1. Upbringing and cultural factors: Individuals may have been raised in environments where assertiveness was not encouraged or valued. Cultural norms and societal expectations can also influence communication styles, with some cultures placing a higher emphasis on deference or avoiding confrontation.

2. Low self-esteem: People with low self-esteem may lack confidence in expressing their thoughts, feelings, and needs assertively. They may fear rejection, criticism, or conflict, leading them to adopt passive or aggressive communication styles instead.

3. Fear of conflict or rejection: Some individuals avoid assertive communication because they fear conflict or rejection. They may prioritize maintaining harmony in relationships over expressing their own needs or preferences, leading them to be passive or accommodating.

4. Lack of communication skills: Assertive communication requires specific skills such as active listening, using "I" statements, and setting boundaries. People who have not learned or practiced these skills may struggle to communicate assertively.

5. Past negative experiences: Traumatic or negative experiences in the past, such as bullying, abuse, or rejection, can undermine a person's confidence and ability to communicate assertively. These experiences may lead to a fear of being vulnerable or speaking up for oneself.

6. Social anxiety: Individuals with social anxiety may experience intense fear or discomfort in social situations, making it difficult for them to assert themselves or express their thoughts and feelings openly.

7. Cultural or gender norms: Cultural or gender norms can influence how assertiveness is perceived and expressed. For example, women may be socialized to be more nurturing and accommodating, while men may be expected to be more dominant and aggressive. These norms can affect individuals' comfort level with assertive communication.

8. Lack of role models: If someone has not been exposed to assertive communication models or mentors, they may not have had the opportunity to learn and practice assertive communication skills.

Addressing these underlying factors through therapy, counseling, or assertiveness training can help individuals develop and improve their assertive communication skills over time. By building self-esteem, learning effective communication techniques, and challenging negative beliefs or fears, individuals can become more confident and assertive in expressing themselves.

Developing assertive communication skills takes practice and self-awareness.

Here are some steps individuals can take to improve their assertiveness:

1. **Understand assertive communication: (note: you’re already doing that if you’re reading this)** Learn about assertive communication and its key principles. Understand that assertiveness involves expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly, directly, and respectfully, while also considering the rights and feelings of others.

2. **Identify your communication style:** Reflect on your current communication style. Are you more passive, aggressive, or assertive? Recognize situations where you tend to struggle with assertiveness and the thoughts or feelings that arise in those situations. (Check out this quiz to dive in more)

3. **Practice self-awareness:** Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations when communicating with others. Notice any patterns of behavior or automatic responses that may hinder your ability to be assertive.

4. **Set clear boundaries:** Identify your personal boundaries and be clear about what you are and are not comfortable with. Practice saying "no" when necessary and setting limits on others' behavior when it infringes upon your rights or well-being.

5. **Use "I" statements:** When expressing your thoughts, feelings, or needs, use "I" statements to take ownership of your experiences. For example, instead of saying, "You always interrupt me," say, "I feel frustrated when I'm interrupted."

6. **Practice active listening:** Develop your listening skills by actively listening to others without interrupting or jumping to conclusions. Show empathy and understanding by paraphrasing what the other person is saying and validating their feelings.

7. **Express yourself assertively:** Practice asserting yourself in low-stakes situations first, such as with friends, family, or colleagues. Start by expressing your opinions or preferences calmly and directly, using assertive body language and tone of voice.

8. **Manage emotions:** Learn to manage your emotions effectively, especially in challenging or confrontational situations. Practice relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or mindfulness to stay calm and composed.

9. **Seek feedback:** Ask for feedback from trusted friends, family members, or colleagues on your assertiveness skills. Be open to constructive criticism and use it as an opportunity for growth and improvement.

10. **Seek support:** Consider seeking support from a therapist, counselor, or assertiveness training program if you're struggling to develop assertive communication skills. A professional can provide guidance, feedback, and practical strategies tailored to your individual needs.